Do you spend your time thinking of everyone else and putting their needs before your own? If you’re nodding your head, you’re not alone.
There’s a common saying: "You can’t pour from an empty cup," which basically means that you can’t look after other people if you’re not looking after yourself. During the safety demonstration on a flight, the crew tells you to put your own seatbelt on first. It seems alien, doesn’t it? We’re so focused on pleasing others that we often forget to please ourselves.
That stops now. From today, let’s start putting our own needs first every now and again. In this guide, we’ll talk about some easy ways you can ease the guilt and start focusing on yourself. We’ll also use key insights from top bestsellers, such as 'The Untethered Soul' by Michael A. Singer.
If you’re ready, let’s jump in!
Why focusing on yourself is essential
It’s very likely that turning your attention away from others and toward yourself won’t come easily. In fact, it might feel a little awkward just thinking about it. However, that discomfort simply tells you that the habit has become so ingrained it’s going to take some work to change it.
The first thing to do is to realize why focusing on yourself is important. No, that doesn’t mean you should never focus on anyone else, and of course, there should be a certain amount of moderation. But it’s never wrong to care for your own needs and make it a regular habit.
Why? Well, there are a few reasons, actually.
Learning who you are
We live in a busy, constantly connected world, and it's easy to lose sight of the person you spend the most time with: yourself. You see, focusing on yourself is the gateway to self-discovery. It allows you to explore your passions, understand your feelings, and figure out what drives you. A little refocus time makes you your own best friend and regains your sense of self.
2 Developing strength and resilience
We can also discuss the curveballs that life likes to throw our way occasionally. Spending time on personal development and wellness strengthens emotional and mental resilience, equipping you to handle life’s ups and downs more effectively. Resilience is like a muscle in that the more you work it, the stronger it gets.
3 Boosting your relationships
This benefit is one that most people don’t believe because it’s easy to assume that focusing on yourself means not thinking about others. That’s not strictly true. When you understand yourself better, you become more aware of what you need from relationships and what you can give. This self-knowledge makes you a better partner, friend, and colleague and creates healthy relationships with your loved ones.
4 Boosting productivity
You enhance your energy levels and focus by prioritizing time to focus on yourself, whether through meditation, exercise, alone time, or simply organizing your life. However, increased productivity isn’t just about getting more done. It’s about achieving more in ways that align with your true values and goals.
5 Focusing on your mental health
Ignoring your own emotional and basic needs and constantly catering to others can lead to stress, burnout, and even depression. By focusing on your mental and emotional health, you achieve a healthier balance, which promotes a positive mood and overall well-being.
The stigma around mental health is thankfully less prevalent than it used to be, but it’s vital to prioritize how you feel on the inside. Learning to put yourself first means you’re making your well-being a major priority in your life — just as it should be.
"Being able to be your true self is one of the strongest components of good mental health." – Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy
As you can see, learning to focus on yourself doesn’t mean you’re pushing others aside and not paying attention. Instead, it's about building a solid foundation within yourself that enhances every aspect of your life. Committing to personal growth and self-care ensures you're at your best, allowing you to contribute positively to the world.
Next, let’s learn how to do all of this with easy, actionable steps.
A step-by-step guide to learning how to put your own needs first
It’s easy to assume that putting yourself first means doing whatever you want. Sadly, it’s not that simple. The habit of focusing on everything else becomes so deeply embedded that shifting your mindset to a more balanced view takes some time. Thankfully, these steps will get you to where you need to be — your very best self.
Step 1: Start with practical self-care
In 'The Gifts of Imperfection,' Brené Brown brilliantly encourages cultivating self-worth and resilience through regular self-care practices. She explains that by embracing your imperfections and engaging in self-care, you’re honoring your true self and fostering a stronger foundation for self-worth — which can literally change your life. Here are some simple, actionable self-care ideas that can lead to profound changes in our mental and emotional well-being.
"If we want to live a Wholehearted life, we have to become intentional about cultivating sleep and play, and about letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth."
You’re probably wondering what that means. Here are some very simple self-care strategies you can use to follow Brown’s advice.
Exercise regularly
Regular physical activity is a cornerstone of self-care. It's not just about maintaining fitness or having the so-called perfect body but about creating a space to reconnect with your inner self. Exercise releases endorphins, known as happiness chemicals, which can improve mood and decrease feelings of depression, anxiety, and stress. Find an activity you enjoy, such as a quick walk, yoga, or dancing on the spot, and go for it!
2 Eat well
Nourishing your body with healthy foods is genuine self-respect and focuses on your physical health in particular. Eating well should be about feeling great, having more energy, improving your health, and stabilizing your mood. Does it mean you can never enjoy a slice of pizza? No! It just means finding a balance and enjoying healthy, non-processed foods most of the time. Many people feel there isn’t enough time to cook fresh, homemade meals, but it can be a source of relaxation and stress relief in itself.
3 Focus on sleep
Getting enough sleep is vital for overall health and well-being, but also your mood. You cannot run on empty, so make sure you get between 7-8 hours of good quality sleep every night. Avoid anything too stimulating before you sleep, such as horror or action movies, upbeat music, or social media. It’s also a good idea to go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Finally, make your bedroom a space for total rest and relaxation; this is your area to allow yourself to drift into a delightful slumber.
4 Practice meditation
Meditation is a powerful tool for fostering a deep connection with yourself, promoting peace and calmness. It allows you to sit with your thoughts without judgment and fosters an environment of kindness and compassion toward yourself. It’s the single best way to enjoy your own company.
You can try guided meditations, mindful breathing exercises, or even just sitting quietly for a few minutes each day. All of this can significantly decrease stress and anxiety, enhance focus, and promote a greater overall sense of well-being. Make it a new hobby that infuses positive energy into your life.
"Stillness is not about focusing on nothingness; it’s about creating a clearing. It’s opening up an emotionally clutter-free space and allowing ourselves to feel and think and dream and question." — 'The Gifts of Imperfection,' Brené Brown
Step 2: Set healthy boundaries and prioritize yourself
Are you good at saying "no"? To be honest, most people aren’t. However, when you take on every task that’s asked of you and agree to everything other people want, you don’t have the time you need for yourself. It’s more important than ever before to start setting aside time for self-care, and setting boundaries is one way to do that.
Think of it this way: You’re not saying "no"; instead, you’re saying "yes" to yourself. Here are some tips to help you master the art of personal boundaries:
Understand your limits
Start by knowing your physical, emotional, and mental limits. Understanding what you can handle and what you find draining can guide you in setting boundaries. Reflect on experiences that have left you stressed or overwhelmed, and use these insights to determine when you need to draw the line.
In his book 'The Untethered Soul,' Michael Singer explores the importance of self-awareness in boundary setting. He states that when you’re more aware of your feelings and thoughts, you can gain freedom from both internal and external pressures. It’s a way of observing how you react to situations and understanding where to draw your boundary lines.
"When a problem is disturbing you, don't ask, "What should I do about it?" Ask, "What part of me is being disturbed by this?"
Communicate clearly
Once you know your limits, communicate them clearly and respectfully to others. Use "I" statements to express your needs. For example, say, "I feel overwhelmed when I don't have time to unwind. I need to block out an hour each evening for relaxation." This practice helps others understand your perspective and respects both parties' boundaries.
"Only you can take inner freedom away from yourself, or give it to yourself. Nobody else can."
Say no
You can do it! When someone asks you to do something that goes over your limitations or clashes with something you want to do, be honest and assertive with your response. Remember, saying no allows you to say yes to activities and commitments that genuinely align with your goals and energy.
Schedule 'me' time
Actively schedule time in your day for yourself and defend this time as you would any important appointment. Having designated periods where you focus solely on yourself helps in rejuvenating your mind and body.
Be a little flexible occasionally
While it's important to have firm boundaries, some flexibility allows you to deal with unexpected circumstances without excess stress. Recognize when it's okay to adjust your boundaries and when to firmly uphold them.
"The most important thing in life is your inner energy. If you’re always tired and never enthused, then life is no fun. But if you’re always inspired and filled with energy, then every minute of every day is an exciting experience. Learn to work with these things."
Step 3: Practice mindfulness and self-reflection
How many times per day does your cell phone ping with a notification, or your inbox gets flooded with emails? We live in a busy world, and it’s easy to lose touch with your inner self. However, there is peace in quiet reflection and introspection. Mindfulness is one way you can tick that box and find greater clarity.
In "The Gifts of Imperfection," Brené Brown examines how utilizing practices such as meditation and mindfulness in your daily life can help you connect more deeply with your true self. These practices allow you to slow down and pay attention to the present moment, fostering an environment where you can be more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
"Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not "over-identify" with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity."
Mindfulness
Mindfulness involves paying full attention to the present moment without judgment. It means noticing your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment without feeling the need to take action to change anything. Engaging in mindfulness practices such as meditation, mindful eating, and mindful walking helps ground your thoughts and reduce anxiety, enhancing your overall emotional and mental well-being.
Journaling
Keeping a journal is another powerful tool for self-reflection that complements mindfulness by providing a personal space to explore thoughts and emotions in depth. Regular journaling creates a greater understanding of yourself, allowing you to track patterns and growth over time.
Step 4: Eliminate comparisons and focus on YOUR journey
If you scroll through social media and find your finger pausing on a so-called perfect image, you’re not alone. Facebook and Instagram have made comparisons run riot in general society, and it’s not particularly healthy. It’s vital to remember that what you see on social media is just a showreel — certainly not representative of real life. However, these quick glimpses can skew our perception of reality and often lead to feelings of inadequacy or FOMO.
Jen Sincero's 'You Are a Badass' offers fascinating insights on how to step away from the comparison trap and embrace your individuality. Sincero encourages you to focus on your personal strengths and achievements, arguing that self-acceptance is the bedrock of genuine success and happiness. She emphasizes that everyone is on a unique path and that comparing your Chapter One to someone else’s Chapter Twenty can be not only misleading but also deeply discouraging.
"Because if you base your self-worth on what everyone else thinks of you, you hand all your power over to other people and become dependent on a source outside of yourself for validation."
Here is how to avoid comparisons and focus on number one:
Self-awareness, not social awareness
Rather than becoming borderline obsessed with your favorite celebrity’s so-called perfect life, focus on understanding yourself better. Reflect on your passions, strengths, and dreams. The better you know yourself, the less likely you are to feel envious of others.
Set personal goals
Define success in your own terms: What does it look like to you? Once you know, set goals that resonate with your values and aspirations, not those dictated by societal pressures or the achievements of your friends and colleagues.
Focus on gratitude
Make it a habit to regularly reflect on what you have and what you’ve accomplished. You can do that by keeping a gratitude journal and writing two things you’re grateful for out of every day. It can be as simple as a warm cup of coffee, but it will build a habit and a mindset change.
Ultimately, gratitude shifts the focus from what you lack to what you possess and helps reduce the urge to compare.
"When you are consistently in a state of gratitude, and aware of all the awesomeness that already exists, it, among many other things, makes it much easier for you to believe that there’s more awesomeness where that came from, and that this yet-to-be-manifested awesomeness is also available to you."
Limit social media intake
Be intentional about your social media usage, and perhaps allow yourself just one hour per day. Limiting exposure can significantly reduce the temptation to compare your behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. It also gives you much more time to focus on enjoying your life and creating new memories.
"Maybe, if you put your disbelief aside, roll up your sleeves, take some risks, and totally go for it, you’ll wake up one day and realize you’re living the kind of life you used to be jealous of."
Step 5: Engage in personal growth activities
Check in with yourself and focus on activities that help you grow. In 'The Gifts of Imperfection,' Brené Brown encourages you to embrace your vulnerabilities and imperfections and develop a deeper sense of love and belonging.
Brown encourages you to let go of what people think about you and embrace your true self. This step involves being honest about your feelings and your past and making decisions based on what you believe in, not what you think you are supposed to be or do. A little self-love goes a long way.
Additionally, being kind to yourself — just as you would a friend or family member — is extremely important. We're incredibly critical of ourselves all too often, but we give all our love and compassion to everyone around us. Basically, it's time to practice self-compassion.
Be gentle with yourself whenever you make a mistake or fail at something. After all, these are situations from which you can learn and improve. Being your own self-critic with an abundance of negative self-talk is no fun and does nothing for your confidence and self-esteem.
"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are."
Start the ultimate self-care journey with Headway summaries
Learning how to focus on yourself isn’t a project that will yield results overnight. This is something that will take time and effort simply because life has taught us that thinking of ourselves is selfish; it makes us self-centered. But, in reality, self-focus is a true gift. It’s time to flip that narrative and give yourself the love and attention you deserve. After all, how can you look after everyone else if you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, and stressed?
Headway’s book summaries are the number one way for busy people like you to learn and grow on the go. In just 15 minutes, you can read or listen to a summary of some of the best-selling books on the market, including many on self-improvement. With key insights and plenty of food for thought, it’s the ideal way to start your self-love journey to improved happiness and well-being.
