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Summary of Love Sense 

4.6 . 688 reviews

Short summary

Is there a logic to love? Believe it or not, there is. Regardless of what poets and Hollywood directors have said, love is not abstract or irrational. There is a whole science to it. The good news is that almost everybody can become an expert in romantic relationships. The recipe for sustainable love is simple: hold on to your partner, value mature commitment, and be honest about your feelings. In her bestselling book, Dr. Sue Johnson, an acclaimed couple’s therapist and the Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy developer, proves that love makes sense. She walks the reader through various stages of romantic relationships — from the cradle to the grave — and discusses the problems that might appear on the way. Based on groundbreaking research, she concludes that emotional dependency is our greatest strength in matters of the heart. “The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection.” ~ Dr. Sue Johnson

Table of content

  • Summary of Love Sense
  • About the author
  • What is Love Sense about?
  • Who should read Love Sense
  • Topics in Love Sense
first key point

Until recently, love was either not necessary, or a mystery

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People have always wondered what love was.

Today, the most popular opinion is that love is a mystery. No wonder. How else can we describe a state that is messy, overwhelming, and euphoric at the same time? Evolutionary biologists, on the contrary, believe that love is just foreplay to reproduction. According to them, people mate to procreate, and the rest is history. However, the Ancient Greeks equated romantic love, or “eros,” to sexual desire. So, who got it right?

Nobody did. Modern psychology says that love is an intimate relationship between two adults who have a solid emotional connection. “Emotional” is the keyword here. There is no denying that sex and parenthood are essential for couples. But to survive, we need secure emotional bonds.
A good relationship is better health insurance than a careful diet and a better anti-aging strategy than taking vitamins. ~ Dr. Sue Johnson
We are born helpless. Before we can take care of ourselves, we need constant supervision and support, which requires a lot of time and effort. Then why do our parents do that? Because their brains are programmed to have a deep emotional connection to their kids. Soon enough, babies get used to the idea that they need to depend on other people to stay alive. They start to respond to love, and for them, being held and protected is the most natural thing in the world. Unfortunately, that changes when we grow older.

We are encouraged to value independence in Western cultures and underestimate meaningful relationships. We have humanoid robots instead of partners, pornography instead of sensual sex, and Facetime instead of actual dates. In the United States, people live alone more than ever. At least 25% of Americans take drugs for anxiety and depression, and this percentage is not coincidental; it is the consequence of emotional detachment that is happening on a massive scale.
Our constant quest for independence harms our chances of sustaining romantic relationships for a long time and leads us to believe there is something wrong with relying on our partners.
When we were kids, our parents provided us with a haven. They loved us and came to our rescue whenever we needed them to. When we become adults, we also need to be cherished and cared for. The only thing that changes is that we can no longer rely solely on our parents. They grow older and begin to require our support. That is when our partners step in. Because in the modern world, where people become more and more disconnected from one another, having a meaningful romantic relationship might be the only way to be truly happy.
second key point

Everything comes down to attachment

What is an attachment style? It is a template of how to interact with the people we love. Psychologists say that there are three primary attachment styles, and each is shaped by our relationships with our parents in childhood. They define how we treat our romantic partners when we grow up.
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third key point

The key to the best sex is an emotional connection

fourth key point

True love can last until death do us part

fifth key point

Relationships sometimes get stuck in a vicious cycle

sixth key point

You can restore the connection

seventh key point

Conclusion

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What is Love Sense about?

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Do you find yourself staring at your computer for long minutes, unaware of time slipping by? Do you enter a room and suddenly cannot remember why you stepped in the first place? Is it a herculean task for you to sit through ten pages of a book without reaching for your phone? If yes, your focus needs some work and fast.

Actually, yours is not a unique situation. Many adults like you have issues concentrating on a given task. However, in this fast-paced world of ours, you can’t afford to be not focused at all times. Thankfully, this article comes to your rescue! With the tips and tricks from Hyperfocus by Chris Bailey, you will get in the top percent of folks who have mastered the art of concentration.