We love our families, and we want to have healthy and enjoyable relationships with them. But, sometimes, do they tend to overstep the mark or become a little overbearing? You might feel guilty admitting it, but you're not alone. Even with the best intentions, family members can overstep boundaries without realizing it.
While love and a desire for a strong connection are at the heart of these relationships, they can sometimes come with blurred lines, unspoken expectations, and unresolved tensions. It can be stressful and affect how close you are. The answer? Set healthy boundaries and enforce them.
No, learning how to set boundaries with family is not about creating distance or building walls; it's about building mutual respect, clear communication, and emotional well-being. Then, your relationships will thrive on trust and understanding rather than resentment or misunderstanding.
If this sounds like a quandary you're currently in, don't worry. In this article, we'll talk about how to set boundaries in family relationships, with the help of some top best-sellers, such as 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne.
Understanding boundaries
Boundaries are important guidelines, rules, or limits that you set to protect your personal space, emotions, and overall well-being. They vary from person to person and define what is acceptable and unacceptable in interactions with others. By thinking carefully about the boundaries around what’s important to you, you'll notice a sense of ease in all relationships, knowing your personal space and emotions are protected.
The main actions of boundaries are to ensure respect, create excellent communication, prevent resentment, and support emotional health. However, there are several types of boundaries to be aware of. The main ones are:
Physical boundaries relate to your body, personal space, and physical needs. They define how much physical contact you are comfortable with and who has access to your personal space. For instance, these boundaries decide who can touch you and your belongings. They can also refer to your need for personal space.
Emotional boundaries help you avoid taking on others' feelings or allowing others to invalidate your emotions. An example could be speaking out when someone hurts you or deciding not to engage in a conversation that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Time boundaries help you allocate your energy and time accordingly. They prioritize your needs and deadlines. For instance, you could limit how many hours you'll work per week to ensure you don't burn out.
Material boundaries refer to your possessions and finances. An example could be deciding whether to lend money to someone or setting a limit on shared resources to ensure fairness.
Why setting boundaries with family can be challenging
Setting any type of boundary can be tricky, but when it comes to family members, there's usually a large serving of guilt that goes alongside it. Society says you should do anything for your family, and of course, you love your family and want to do the best for them. But should that always be at your own expense? Certainly not.
This can be challenging because of the deeply ingrained roles and family dynamics at play. From a young age, you may have been given a particular role, such as the "peacemaker," the "helper," or the "responsible one." These roles shape family interactions and can create expectations about how you believe you should behave. In many cases, we become people-pleasers simply trying to fit into our pre-defined roles.
For example, if you've always been told you're the "helpful one," you might struggle to prioritize your own needs over someone else's, especially during family gatherings. Sometimes, this can lead to pushback or even arguments with other family members or even extended family because you're not doing what you're "supposed" to do. This can even extend to your in-laws, making a difficult situation even more challenging.
In his bestseller, 'Games People Play,' Eric Berne introduces the concept of Transactional Analysis. This talks about the games that people play within their relationships and how these behavioral patterns are often based on childhood experiences. Over time, they lead to issues in their adult relationships. When these are passed down through generations, you can understand that boundaries are certainly needed to maintain peace.
"Everyone carries his parents around inside of him."
Don't fear conflict!
We'll discuss some common obstacles to family boundary setting a little later, but one of the biggest reasons it's so difficult is that humans fear conflict. Maybe you don't want to upset your loved ones or the status quo and would rather keep the peace, which means you're suffering while everyone else is fine. In this case, it's vital to remember that a little short-term discomfort is often worthwhile for a bright future and long-term harmony.
So, while setting limits with family members is challenging, that doesn't mean you should avoid it. In fact, it's simply time to learn how to set those limits and feel a lot freer as a result.
In 'The Wait,' DeVon Franklin and Meagan Good talk in detail about how to build healthy relationships and genuine connections. They state this is all based on trust, shared values, and communication. Remember, it doesn't all have to be someone else's way; it's a two-way street!
"It takes time and self-control to take in information, let people reveal their true character, be consistent and disciplined, and give conflicts time to work themselves out."
Practical steps to establish boundaries with family
We've discussed the importance of setting clear boundaries, and you know it can be tricky. Now, let's discuss how to do it.
As difficult as this process can be, only three steps are involved. Let's explore them one by one.
1. Self-reflection
The first step to setting healthy boundaries with your nearest and dearest is to work out what you need to set a boundary for. Take some time to explore and identify your own emotional needs and desires. What makes you feel comfortable, and what doesn't? Remember, there might be the odd pang of guilt involved, but push it aside. This is an important step in the boundary-setting process!
Here are some steps to guide your self-reflection process:
Recognize your emotional responses. Study how particular interactions make you feel. Dig deeper if you notice any exhaustion, resentment, discomfort, or frustration. These emotions often signal that a boundary is being crossed or that you need to set one.
What are your core values? What do you value most in your relationships? Maybe it's honesty or respect, or you simply need a certain amount of space. Before you identify the boundaries you need to set, consider what is important to you.
Identify your needs. This is where you start to outline your boundaries. What do you need to feel comfortable, respected, safe, and supported? Don't be afraid of the answer! Grab a notebook and pen and write down whatever comes into your mind.
Consider the past. Now that you have an idea of what you need to feel comfortable, think back to when someone crossed those boundaries. How did you feel? What was the outcome? By thinking about these occurrences, you can identify any patterns that you need to avoid in the future.
What are you afraid of? If setting boundaries with family members was easy, we wouldn't need to write this article! Think about what you're worried about or what is holding you back. Understand that your family members may raise their eyebrows at first, but if they love you, they'll accept the things you need. In some cases, it may take time, and there may be a few false starts, but you will reach your destination in the end. If you're worried about rejection, ask yourself honestly how likely the outcome is. Probably not very.
In 'Drama Free,' Nedra Glover Tawwab offers useful tips on setting boundaries and identifying troubling patterns. We often don't realize how someone's behavior upsets us until we sit down to really think about it. Glover Tawwab urges you to think carefully about your role in not only enabling but perhaps maintaining toxic patterns from family members.
"You can love your parents and be upset about how they raised you."
Ultimately, remember that setting boundaries is the ultimate act of self-care. It's not at all selfish or wrong.
2. Clear communication
Once you know your boundaries, it's time to communicate them. Yes, this is the part that is likely to cause the most anxiety, but be brave! The sooner you tell people what is acceptable to you and what isn't, the easier your life will become. After all, your family members aren't mind readers; they won't know you don't like something unless you tell them.
Let's explore some tips to help you break the news assertively yet calmly.
Be direct and specific. Don't overcomplicate it. When talking to your family, use clear and concise language. Avoid vague statements and be specific about what you need. For example, don't say, "I feel like I need some space for myself." Instead, say, "I need to spend an hour on my own after work to unwind." Rather than, "I don't like it when you call me constantly when I go out with my friends," say, "I would like you to trust me when I go out and not call unless it's an emergency. I will call you if I need anything."
Use "I" statements. This is an important one. Rather than saying, "You make me feel …" turn it around and say, "I feel …" That way, your family members won't feel like you're criticizing or blaming them. A good example here is to say, "I feel like I'm not trusted when my phone is always ringing."
Stay calm and be firm. It's possible that your family members may be a little defensive and start asking questions or even criticizing your words. In this case, take a breath and stay calm. You don't need to overexplain things, and you certainly don't need to apologize. Instead, calmly restate your boundary and the reason why, and then walk away so they can digest the news. Remember, there will likely be some pushback, but it will fade.
3. Consistency is key
Rather than identifying the boundary you need, the most important thing is consistency. You can't set a boundary, such as needing an hour of personal space after work, and then not indulge in it. This doesn't send a strong message to your family members, and you will find that they infringe on that time regularly because you're not valuing your own boundaries.
Even if it feels uncomfortable from time to time, stick to your boundaries. If you find they're infringed upon, reinforce what you will and won't accept. If your boundary is constantly ignored, you may need to identify and enforce consequences. In this case, you must do exactly as you say; otherwise, they will not take you seriously in the future. For instance, "I asked you not to call me constantly when I am out with my friends. If you continue to do this, I will turn off my phone." Then, do as you say.
Hard? Of course. Necessary? Totally.
4. Overcoming common obstacles
We've already talked about the fact that family members may not enjoy you laying out your boundaries for them to follow. However, in some cases, there are real obstacles to overcome. The good news is that you can jump over these hurdles like an Olympic athlete once you know what they are.
Dealing with resistance
Family members may resist or push back when you set boundaries, especially if this is a new practice. Resistance can appear as guilt-tripping, dismissiveness, or even anger.
Here are some strategies to handle pushback effectively:
Stay firm but compassionate. Calmly restate your boundary and the reason behind it. For example, "I understand this is difficult for you to hear, but it's important for my mental health."
Acknowledge their feelings. Validating their emotions can help cut tension. You might say, "I hear that this change is hard for you." In this case, you're showing that you understand them without compromising your boundaries.
Avoid overexplaining: You've explained it once; you don't need to dig any deeper. Take a breath and remember why you're setting this boundary in the first place.
Don't give in: It may be that family members simply don't want to accept your boundary, and they'll try to make you push it to one side. This is another form of guilt-tripping. Stay firm. Once they see how serious you are, they'll have no choice but to accept it.
5. Managing guilt
Feeling guilty when setting boundaries is normal, especially with close family members. It can be hard to deal with because you don't want to accept those you're closest to, but remember how their behavior or actions make you feel. Here are some tips on how to deal with the inevitable guilt:
Reframe your perspective. Remind yourself that setting boundaries is not selfish; it is an act of self-care and respect for the relationship. Healthy boundaries can strengthen, not weaken, familial bonds when everyone is on board.
Practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that feeling guilty is a natural response and doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Be kind to yourself!
Focus on the bigger picture. Remember that enforcing boundaries will improve your mental health and contribute to healthier relationships in the long run. Ultimately, everyone will benefit over time.
Seek support. If you're struggling, share your feelings with a trusted friend, therapist, mental health professional, or support group. Often, hearing reassurance from others can help alleviate guilt.
Use an affirmation. You could also use a positive affirmation to counteract guilt. For example, "I deserve to prioritize my well-being," or "Setting boundaries is an act of love for myself and my family." Repeat it several times throughout the day, and you'll notice your guilt fading.
In his best-seller, 'Boundaries,' Dr. Henry Cloud talks about the vital importance of learning to say no. It's not easy to do, but practice makes perfect. He explains that this simple two-letter word will allow you to regain control of your time and emotional health.
"Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking."
Cultural considerations
We can't go without mentioning one particular subject that could make setting new boundaries with family members a bit trickier.
In many cases, cultural backgrounds significantly shape how we perceive and set boundaries within our families. In some cultures, family relationships often emphasize interdependence, closeness, and shared responsibilities. This can sometimes lead to blurred boundaries and people-pleasing, where personal space and privacy don't appear at the top of the priority list.
In these situations, it's vital to remember sensitivity and open communication. Begin by recognizing and respecting the cultural values that influence family expectations. Understanding the underlying reasons behind certain behaviors, such as frequent check-ins or unsolicited advice, can help you approach these situations with empathy rather than frustration. However, don't allow this to make you feel you shouldn't speak out about what you need.
Simply be patient. Adjusting personal boundaries can take time, especially in cultures where these concepts may be less familiar. In the end, consistent, respectful communication boosts mutual understanding and creates stronger relationships.
Let Headway summaries help you set clear, healthy boundaries
Setting them will still be tricky, no matter how clear you are about your boundaries. Nobody wants to tell those closest to them that they're doing something that makes them feel negative in some way. Yet, flip the situation around for a moment: would you prefer your brother, sister, mother, or father to tell you if you were doing something that upset them? You probably would. You may find it hard to hear, but you'd be glad they valued your relationship enough to speak out.
Boundaries help not only the person doing the setting but also those who must adhere to them. Over time, everyone will be happier, and the relationship will become much stronger. You’ll also notice your self-esteem skyrocket because you’re getting exactly what you need.
If you're keen to set some boundaries and feel happier and healthier, why not download the Headway app for some inspiration? It’s a lot more useful than spending time on social media, that’s for sure! On the Headway app, you'll find a huge number of summaries of best-selling books, many of which contain excellent advice to help you prioritize your own mental health and well-being. In just 15 minutes, you can read or listen to a summary and find easy motivation on the go.
Perhaps this is the little push you need to change your life, set good boundaries, and look forward to a happier, brighter future!
