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Summary of The State of Affairs 

4.6 . 3212 reviews

Short summary

The notion of an affair is as negative as it gets. At times it seems like the only thing society can collectively agree on is that affairs are never okay and cannot be tolerated. But what if the reality is much more complex and ambiguous? The State of Affairs offers a fresh perspective on this highly denounced social phenomenon. Written by a bestselling author and an experienced couples’ therapist Esther Perel, this book is a step-by-step guide that uncovers everything you need to know about infidelity — the history, reasons behind it, and how to get through it without causing more damage. This summary will help you better understand the intricacies of sex, marriage, and monogamy through the prism of affairs and betrayal. “Rather than insulate ourselves with the false notion that it could never happen to me, we must learn to live with the uncertainties, the allures, the attractions, the fantasies—both our own and our partners’.” ~ Esther Perel

Table of content

  • Summary of The State of Affairs
  • About the author
  • What is The State of Affairs about?
  • Who should read The State of Affairs
  • Topics in The State of Affairs
first key point

The invisible presence of infidelity

Listen the first key point
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At this very moment, somewhere, someone is either cheating or being cheated on. The curse of infidelity is as widespread as it gets, but despite this, it remains a societal taboo — rarely talked about, shrouded in mystery and gossip. Attitudes toward affairs vary all over the globe; some cultures frown upon them, while others consider affairs inevitable and natural. But the general consensus is rather prosaic — people cheat because their relationships are unsatisfactory, and their love life leaves a lot to be desired. In The State of Affairs, Esther Perel puts the existing moralizing stereotypes about infidelity on trial. The following chapters will help you define infidelity, analyze its causes, how it can affect the people involved and how they might grapple with its consequences.

If you are wary of what awaits you in this summary, it is essential to note that none of this calls on you to condone or turn a blind eye to infidelity. This is simply an invitation to a broader conversation that isn’t reduced to passing judgment. Infidelity is a mirror that reflects our relationships and shows our deepest insecurities and needs. Understanding it means better understanding ourselves.
Reducing conversations about complex issues to judgmental discussions will only leave us with no conversation at all.
Affairs are all around us, and they will certainly influence you in one way or another during your life. You might become the one who cheats, the one being cheated on, or the one someone is cheating with. It also might be something less personal — infidelity might touch the love lives of your friends or family members. In all of these cases, affairs are bound to have a certain influence on you and your mental health. This bite-sized guide to infidelity will empower you to deal with these potential situations with strength, grace, and humanity. Betrayal will always hurt but understanding why it does can significantly soften the blow.

Healthy adult conversations about this can become the much-needed cure for those influenced by an affair, and they can help us find a practical and compassionate approach toward infidelity.
People often see an affair as a trauma from which there is no return, but it may inspire change that was sorely needed. Betrayal cuts to the bone, but the wound can be healed. ~ Esther Perel
second key point

Affairs mirror the evolution of relationship

Cheating is usually viewed as something only morally corrupt people do. However, when we see how widespread it is, can we still consider it a problem of a few wrongdoers? According to Esther Perel, the issue of infidelity is much more complex and global. To better understand it, we have to look into the very concept of marriage and monogamy and how it has evolved through the years.
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third key point

The elusive nature of infidelity

fourth key point

Understanding the pain can lessen its weight

fifth key point

Making sense of betrayal

sixth key point

A way out of the ruins of an affair

seventh key point

Conclusion

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What is The State of Affairs about?

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