35 Funny Retirement Quotes: Laugh Your Way into the Golden Years

Why do we laugh when someone retires? Because every ending should be fun and joyful! After all, there's a new chapter ahead. All those jokes about wanting to retire? They're finally over — the break is earned after years of hard work, and now you or a colleague of yours gets to enjoy life to the fullest.

These 35 funny retirement quotes are ideal for the last hurrah for your colleagues, friends, and you, if you're stepping into retirement yourself! These quotes are a perfect mix of wisdom words and humor to make everyone laugh. Get some ideas for the retirement party speech or simply learn how to say goodbye with humor. Continue reading, as this quote collection is backed by Headway's best book summaries! These one-liners are curated by bestselling authors, such as Steven R. Gundry, Hector Garcia, Chris Crowley, and Atul Gawande.

Top funny retirement quotes to save

1. "When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income." — Chi Chi Rodriguez

2. "My retirement plan is to get thrown off the golf course." — Rory McIlroy

3. "Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five, I still had pimples." — George Burns

4. "The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off." — Abe Lemons

5. "You don't have to act or feel old." — Chris Crowley, 'Younger Next Year' 

What are the funniest retirement quotes to remember?

1. 6"Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again." — C.S. Lewis

Sleep in until noon, no meetings, and unlimited snacks? That already sounds like a fairy tale!

1. 7"You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing." — George Bernard Shaw

Laughter is the best medicine — it's all about your mindset, not your age. (Though avoiding carbs doesn't hurt either!)

1. 8"Don't simply retire from something; have something to retire to." — Henry Emerson Fosdick

Like that boat you always talked about buying, or a TV remote you'll never have to share again!

1. 9"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." — Vince Lombardi

Time to let the younger generation have their moment! (But feel free to offer unsolicited life lessons when asked)

1. 10"Every day is a chance to begin again." — Catherine Pulsifer

Every day is a fresh start — unless it's Sunday, then it's nap time.

1. 11"I'm not just retiring from the company, I'm also retiring from my stress, my commute, my alarm clock, and my iron." — Hartman Jule

Now you have the day off for the rest of your life! Enjoy the stress-free environment.

1. 12"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." — Mark Twain

But don't worry, you'll finally qualify for those senior discounts you've been eyeing!

1. 13"Often when you think you're at the end of something, you're at the beginning of something else." — Fred Rogers

Think about your retirement plan… right after you figure out what day it is.

1. 14"Retire from work, but not from life." — M.K. Soni

You can still have a fulfilling life with new experiences… or just change channels to a new TV show.

1. 15"Our ultimate goal, after all, is not a good death but a good life to the very end." — Atul Gawande, 'Being Mortal'

So, have that second piece of cake — it's your retirement party, and you can do what you want!

Best funny retirement quotes for coworkers, bosses, and friends

Missing your full-time job and coffee breaks with colleagues? That feeling won't last long, as you'll learn the beauty of retirement soon. And the best part is that there's no alarm clock, which is a nice bonus. The saddest part is to say goodbye, but we've curated the best funny retirement quotes for every possible occasion!

Whether you're the one retiring or want to congratulate your work buddy or a cousin on retirement, here are some great quote collections:

Funny retirement quotes for coworkers

It's true that we spend most of our lives with our colleagues. That's why saying goodbye can be emotional, but it should always come with a laugh! These quotes are perfect 'goodbyes' for your favorite coworker.

1. 16"Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money." — Jonathan Clements

2. 17"If all the economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion." — George Bernard Shaw

3. 18"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment." — Robert Benchley

4. 19"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." — C.S. Lewis

5. 20"The purpose of life is to find your gift. The meaning of life is to give it away." — Shulamit Ambalu, 'The Religions Book'

Funny retirement quotes for bosses or managers

When a leader leaves, it should be accompanied by humor and appreciation. These one-liners are precisely what your manager or boss needs to hear at their retirement party!

1. 21"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old." — George Burns

2. 22"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does." — Unknown

3. 23"Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese." — Gene Perret

4. 24"The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income." — George Foreman

5. 25"Only staying active will make you want to live a hundred years." — Hector Garcia, 'Ikigai'

Funny retirement quotes for friends or family

These lighthearted quotes are ideal for your closest ones — your family members. Be careful — it might hit you differently because it's someone you deeply love. But embrace laughter and joy!

1. 26"I have four kids, seven grandkids, and four great-grandkids. Maybe I can become a great-great-grandfather if I hang on!" — Dick Van Dyke

2. 27"It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous." — Robert Benchley

3. 28"Finish last in your league, and they call you an idiot. Finish last in medical school, and they call you doctor." — Abe Lemons

4. 29"Retirement is not the end of the road. It is the beginning of the open highway." Terrence H. Seamon

5. 30"It is our habits that determine how we age, not our genes." — Steven R. Gundry, 'The Longevity Paradox'

Retirement quotes from Headway's book summaries you'll love

You can get more wisdom and humor from our best book summaries, like 'Younger Next Year' and 'The Longevity Paradox.' Read or listen to these summaries on the Headway app!

1. 31"Don't retire, stay active" — Hector Garcia, 'Ikigai'

You didn't quit your job — you unlocked a new beginning and level in the game of life.

1. 32"Find something you love, if you possibly can, and go for it." — Chris Crowley, 'Younger Next Year'

Whether it's a new hobby or a Netflix marathon, the choice is finally yours!

1. 33"The very things they think will keep them young are actually causing them to age more quickly." — Steven R. Gundry, 'The Longevity of Paradox'

So, less kale and more stakes? It sounds like a new anti-aging recipe.

1. 34"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you." — Shulamit Ambalu, 'The Religions Book'

It must be hard to let go of the crazy clients, deadlines, and morning traffic, right?

1. 35"The lesson seems almost Zen: you live longer only when you stop trying to live longer." — Atul Gawande, 'Being Mortal'

Go ahead and pour that second glass of wine. Turns out, letting go of worries is the way to go.

How to use these retirement quotes 

There are many ways to use the best retirement one-liners, some of them include:

• Retirement speech — during a farewell party, quotes like "Don't retire, stay active," can add some humor to your speech if it becomes too serious.

• Farewell card or email — a quote like "The very things they think will keep them young are actually causing them to age more quickly," is perfect for the biggest office snackers and lunch thieves.

• Social media post — "You live longer only when you stop trying to live longer" is ideal for a Facebook retirement announcement. But add something like: "Will stop counting my steps today and start counting the donuts I eat" to make it funnier and turn it into a retirement joke.

You can also be a bit sentimental and add inspirational quotes to make it heartwarming.

Retired from work, but not from self-growth — learn more with Headway today!

It's never too late to learn something new, and Headway is a perfect book app companion. With our book summaries, you can find more funny quotes or balance them with the more lighthearted ones. Download the Headway app and read or listen to the best summaries that are just 15 minutes long!